work, eat, cry, repeat.

i don’t think i’ve written anything about my new job, which is strange, considering the fact that for the past two years or so, i’ve blogged my way through prerequisites, applying for nursing schools, and going to nursing school. i then briefly blogged about studying for boards and being in india. there was a “hello, i’m back from india and weird” and though my intentions were to blog more frequently, i then kind of dropped off of the blogging universe when i began juggling two new jobs, new friends, new roommates, and lots of yoga to decompress from it all. life is maybe beginning to slow down just a bit… enough for me to think about fulfilling my new years resolution to be more bloggy, so here is the update you have all been (or have not necessarily been) waiting for.
.

i’m an oncology/neurology nurse.
((my second job is a midwife assistant- the greatest! but more on that another time))

back to oncology:
the first question people ask me…. actually, it’s not technically a question, but more of an assumptive statement:
typical:
“OMIGOD. CANCER!!!!? That must be the most depressing job EVER!”

it is very sad, but very, very fulfilling.

equally deserving of the assumptive statement:
“OMIGOD. ….That must be the most depressing job EVER!!!”
…should be the fact that my unit also treats neuro patients,
if you’re wondering what that entails; think: “when something goes wrong with your spine or brain, to include strokes and seizures.”

last week, i worked mon, tue, and wed. i cried on monday, and then on wednesday. twice. i want you to know i’m absolutely not miserable in my job. i don’t get to tend to laboring moms and hold new born babies during my shift which is what i had hoped for, instead my patients are incredibly sick and often scared. like i’ve said, i cry. but working with my patients it is the most fulfilling work i can imagine doing at this juncture of my life. i am inclined to believe that things happen at just the time they are supposed to, and we can learn great lessons from them.
so here i am, learning all that i can learn, and trying to love my patients because of, and in spite of the fact that they break my heart.
in case you were wondering,
this is how a patient breaks your heart.
monday, my patient could not open his mustard package. he sat in his room alone and and pushed his call button to ask for me. because it was monday afternoon, i was of course busy so he had to wait for me to arrive. when i popped in to check on him, he asked me to open his mustard packet so he could eat his lunch. he was visibly embarrassed and uncomfortable with his request, and it struck me as incredibly sad. sad that i had been busy, sad that he didn’t have anyone visiting him that day, sad that his hands didn’t work well enough to open packages of mustard. my heart felt full and heavy, and i loved him a lot. is that weird? maybe so, but evidently, it is how i’m wired.

i love being a nurse. there is a lot one could say about it, and i already have about a million and half stories. i guess i just don’t share because i assume that sad stories are uninteresting.
but maybe that’s not true
because even though work can be sad, there is something redemptive and beautiful about the process of vulnerability, fear, compassion, love, and tears.
.
some days, i cry over mustard packets.
but truly friends, i’m okay.

beauty!

remember how yesterday i said i would “neither see the sun rise, nor set today” ?
untrue!!
from the window of the top floor at the hospital where i work, the view of the setting sun over the city was magnificent! teal with purple hues, magenta and orange…
amazing
this picture from my phone does not do it justice. but no matter, you can use your imagination (i ask you to do that a lot, don’t i?!)

view from my very window-y unit.

it was so beautiful that i felt compelled to go into the rooms of my patients and open their blinds so they could enjoy the wonderful view. i sort of woke one of my patients when i did that (mean nurse!!) but he had to get up anyway to eat dinner, so i didn’t feel too bad, and he and i enjoyed watching the sunset together very much.
❤
rachel

best day ever!

Registered Nurse!

I”M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!

sexy nclexy.

pancreaticoduodenectomy.

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz. ((yep! only three letters short of the entire alphabet))

i am currently studying for nclex
and
i kind of hate my life right now.
((i promise i will stop life-hating and return to the real world monday))

hugs, kisses, and lots of redbull,
rachel

last nursing school post!

i just graduated from nursing school.

((it was pretty awesome to finally be able to write that, by the way))

now that i’m done, i feel like i’m supposed to have something very profound to say. i don’t really have anything profound, but i will tell you that a long time ago, i thought i might bawl my eyes out as i walked across the stage to receive my nursing pin/diploma. but i didn’t. instead, i hugged the dean, who was an instructor and a sort of mentor to me, and she whispered, while handing me that wonderful paper, “great dress girl.” wow. i love that woman.

but back to bawling. i mean, i thought i would cry because i was so happy and because seasoned nurse educators on the admission’s committee believed in me- thought i would make a great nurse, which is a true gift. this belief in me, makes me extremely honored to be joining the ranks of individuals who i find  to be the embodiment of  a beautiful convergence of compassion, intellect, self sacrifice, and grace.

i know that i have big shoes to fill.

Nursing is an art:  and if it is to be made an art, it requires an exclusive devotion as hard a preparation, as any painter’s or sculptor’s work; for what is the having to do with dead canvas or dead marble, compared with having to do with the living body, the temple of God’s spirit?  It is one of the Fine Arts:  I had almost said, the finest of Fine Arts.  ~Florence Nightingale

cruxan.

hello St Croix!

something tells me, using this machine would be a waste of money.

Day 2. eco-hike. chewin' on medicinal plants that islanders use. for this one, if you get lost in the bush, you'll get H2O and sugar!

medicinal midwife plant

adorable mango!

lazy tree.

community assessment.

windshield surveys!

foods from the rain forest!

pt urdall. eastern most point in the U.S.

beautiful sunset

rejection!

i hate applying for nursing jobs.

reason #4 for why i am fleeing the country as soon as i graduate.

purell.

It’s 1:30 am.

I just applied for my first nursing job.

My chances of getting this job?

1 in 13,000

I did it anyway

and

it felt good.

(i think)

Life is kind of intense right now. Everyone has so many expectations ((or maybe it’s just me, projecting my expectations of myself onto other people, who I then imagine are projecting them back onto myself. Probably this.))

Nursing will be great, but with graduation so close, and so many perceived or non perceived expectations, I’m finding myself wondering if it really will be great. Honestly, I’m kind of scared. Especially after today, when at clinical ((thinking I was being an awesome nurse in training)) I put together this little bundle o’ toiletries to make my young patient more comfortable, but accidentally gave her lubricant gel instead of Vasoline. The mother was mildly pissed, thinking it was hand sanitizer that she just put in her daughter’s hair. I assured her it was not hand sanitizer, but even though the package clearly read “Lubricant Gel” she could not be convinced otherwise. Lubricant Gel/Vasoline what’s the difference!? It is HUGE apparently. The mom? Not happy. No mind the other 500 (exaggeration) things I did for her daughter, at this point, it was all about the “Purell.” …whoops…

Make my chances of getting the job I applied for 1 in 15,000.

Crap. Am I stressed? …. … I think I’m stressed.

What I need to do is make a plan for my life. Maybe a list would make me feel better. Lists always make me feel a little better, because secretly, even though it probably seems that I do most things on a whim or make all my decisions last minute; the truth is, I like a little organization.

(Real life) Plans after graduation aka The “to do list”:

0. Get out of Bal’mer.

1. Epic road trip with my buddy and her pup… See things in the US that I’ve never gotten around to seeing:

a. yellowstone b. moab c. glacier national park d. the grand canyon e. yosemite

2. Hike through India. Visit some ngo’s and find future wish list employers:

a. mother theresa’s missionaries of charity? b. birthing center, goa? c. awwa? d. find out how to start my own clinic?

3. Secure a job/continue education in either:

a. seattle (UW)  b. portland (OHSU) c. denver (UC) d. boston (harvard) e. philly (u penn)

4. move to to where my job/school is.

5. live there. try really hard to stay put and stop moving

6. join a club- commitment(???).

a. join a real club b. make up a club and force all my friends to join.

Okay… there’s my five year plan in in six easy steps. …feeling good….

welcome to hell week.

it started with a 12 page paper. done.

it will continue with two more papers that are part of two major projects,  a quiz, two exams (not yet adequately studied for exams, i might add), a 12 hour clinical, a clinical prep meeting, and a bone marrow donation drive a JHH ((anyone want to get on the donor list? meet me in the corridor at JHH on wed afternoon). Also there’s a Danielson show, which, I’m pretty confident at this point i’m skipping out on, due to the fact that i’m really really tired just thinking about wednesday, and also, i’m pretty sure no one is coming with me.

this morning, bombs were exploding in my apartment…  (ie. $*%$-bombs) yes, those kind ((embarrassment)), along with other obscene statements about how i hate nursing school a lot , and how i hate research class even more, and how i’m QUITTING! (all of this while angrily shoving books into my backpack, and even more angrily- zipping it up)

lies. i tell you. mostly lies. ((i’m not quitting, but i do hate research class))

but anyway…

then, it was tar on the upholstery of a really nice chair. not my chair, never mind my tarry skinny jeans.

i had to leave the owner of that chair, what resembled a ransom note (with very poor spelling, i might add… “tarr” “upulstery”- i wish i were kidding) where i apologetically explained why, when he came home, he would find baking soda on his chair.  i googled it…i have no idea if it will really work…

i’ll let you know.

thankfully, so so so so thankfully it will end. soon.

yes, the nice thing about hell week; well there are two nice things..and they are:

one; getting through hell week, makes you feel slightly invincible. after it’s over, you have what is referred to as “grandiose ideations” ((love using the nursing school jargon…makes me feel like i’m getting my monies worth), because you’re pretty sure that somehow you are truly, truly, part superhero.

second; it ends. real life is not a continuous hell week, and breathing, and eating, and sleeping all feel soooooooooo much better compared to my current existence.

so… hell week will end when i rise at 4-something AM on friday morning to go to an airport, to board a plane, to forget nursing school for a week, to sleep, and to wake up again to the beautiful faces of my sweet friends and a gorgeous gorgeous little snow pea named jaida who i love to pieces.

i can’t wait. three more days to go.

keep me in your thoughts!

seriously, f-bombs do not suit me well.

heck yessssss!

“Dear applicant for a Distance Clinical Placement for Public Health Nursing:

You have been selected to be in the clinical group that will provide care

to the people and populations of St. Croix, U.S.V.I

during the Public Health Nursing course, April 19 – June 4.”

I’m so excited!

Updates when I know more!

kisses,

r

Snow-again, doula me, and a blizard baby.

Are you tired of hearing about my snow?

Well I am tired of looking at it! It has been going since Friday. My beautiful shady tree has collapsed, as has my gutter.

This is my tree "before"...that is, when Snowmagdeon was just starting...

this is my tree "after" (just snapped this shot)... six days and counting.

As I type this, the snow is catapulting from the sky. Yes, I said catapulting. There is no other way to describe it.

Honestly.

It’s like ten zillion clouds are catapulting their tiny little flakes at 100 mph and they are steadily and increasingly flying though the air- from cloud to ground. You look outside and it’s coming down so fast it almost looks like a sheet of white.

The roads of Baltimore are officially closed. The governor issues this warning; STAY INSIDE.

oy.

Well, (Sorry Mr. Governor) I am venturing out into the blizzard. Adios cabin fever!! There is a mother delivering a snow baby at the hospital down the street. Water birth. Yesssss!

This baby is so lucky. Can you imagine?? He or she will always hear;

“You were born in the great Baltimore storm of 2010!”

This story is to be continued…

snow days

we are bored. and eager to learn.

this is what nursing students do when they are snowed in for the fourth day in a row!

cabin fever!!!

winter storm.

Yes, I am in the midst of this snow storm on the East Coast.

The snow is silently falling as quick as pouring rain

It is beautiful and quite peaceful…

pictures to come.

kisses,

rach

distracted.

I am in class at this very moment. It’s nursing (yawwwn) research. I know, I know, I am so naughty. I should be listening like a good and dedicated nursing student. But I caaaaaaan’t!! ( whine, whine, whine- sorry!) I can only take so much lecturing on the Research process. It’s so difficult to feel excited and engaged- remember the droopy eyes and achy brain?

I don’t think I’m alone in this though. My prof just asked if anyone had read the article last night…

…a resounding “NooOooO”

“What is “neat” about variables?” she asks…

Neat?

Oy.

Thursday is clinical- woot woot! Like I’ve mentioned before, I love application: patient teaching, giving shots, running around to find a blood pressure cuff that actually works, chatting with patients about their grandchildren, and telling them, “down the hatch!” while they swallow their little cup o’ pills.

I meant to tell you last week about the day I spent in the OR. I saw a Bunionectomy. Yes, as in, “you will now have the bunion sawed off of your foot.” And yes, I said “sawed” as in: I saw cartilage flying through the air. Flying.

After seeing around nine surgeries, ranging from bunions, to an inguinal hydrocele: here’s the take home message for you, (don’t get scared, but) DO NOT GET SURGERY. I have been disillusioned. I mean, not that I thought surgery was glamorous, but I thought some surgeries were sort of no big deal, surgeries dealing with issues like bunions and tonsils. Yah, when I saw a flayed foot and dangling toes it was over.

I will now get back to listening in class… I am, after all, spending billions upon billions to be sitting here.

kisses,

rachel

looking for a diagnosis.

I have sad news for you.

i am so sleepy.

Therefore, I have dropped my fourteen week long class on breastfeeding. Everyone asks and wonders out loud, “What in the world can be taught about breast feeding for FOURTEEN weeks!!?!?” I was very excited to have an answer for you, fourteen weeks from now…

however,

I am nursing-school-tired. And this kind of tired, is a very unique kind of tired. I’m so tired it hurts. I feel it in my eyes. Well on my eyelids to be exact. They are heavy and they have a hard time staying open in class. They look droopy.

Also, I feel it in my brain…it hurts perpetually- I take Tylenol as a part of my daily multi-vitamin regimen. My brain doesn’t focus very long….three hours is a lot to ask, and so it starts thinking about other things (sleeeeep!) at approximately one hour into the lecture, give or take a few minutes.

Clearly, I am nursing-school-tired, and even clear-er than clearly, is the fact that I don’t think it has much to do with the amount of sleep I do or do not get, but rather the fact that I am quite close to the end (of school) and the adrenalin that I ran on for the first eight months is finally running out… OR I am just getting old… OR I have mono.

sputter, sputter.

I am off to nap

kisses,

rachel

hello adult health!!

Medical Sugical Nursing Textbook

You know it’s bad when your textbook

comes in a box that is big enough for you to sit in….

…granted the size of the box was a little excessive for the book; the fact that the seller put the book in a box that big says something. Also, given the fact that in order to pick up the book, one should definitely use the same back saving safety techniques that are used when turning and lifting patients…it’s not an exaggeration to say Adult health nursing is quite intimidating.

However, after I mellowed out after week two, I realized it’s not really that scary, and though Med-Surg is not my interest for nursing I am learning to appreciate it.

I started clinicals last week, so maybe I should give you a bit more time before I ramble off about it, but I have three tests and a 13 page paper due next week, so of course I’m in the perfect mood for blog writing at midnight, and snacking, and surfing the internet…

duh.

Top three reasons why I like Nursing for Adult Health (aka med-surg):

#1. Pathophysiology. A subject I love. It’s not as hilarious as Dr. Taylor’s class, but it’s equally as awesome because the concepts are now being applied to you and your patients.  Application is one of the best things about nursing school because it means that you actually get to DO what you spend so much time reading about and listening to your professor lecture about. Plus you get to give more shots, and I love giving shots! I have no idea how weird that sounds to non nursing student ears but I said it anyway, because you should know that nursing school can make you weird like that.

#2. Clinical. Trust me, I complained in the beginning, which I feel slightly guilty about now. It’s a lot of work, and a lot of work can be daunting business; it is tiring, and of course it is very time consuming…… but all the study and preparation feels nice. Expectations for clinical are much higher because you are pulling together all of the concepts you have learned. It’s very rewarding to see how your hard work from previous semesters is coming together to make you feel more useful!

#3. Patients. I’ll just be honest here, my unit is depressing, especially since maternal health and midwifery is my interest and passion. I miss the babies and moms and all the joy of new life. A consolation is that there is a lot of opportunity to do some much needed patient teaching. In my previous life (before nursing school that is) I taught, so this is an area of nursing that I particularly love. Early in the morning, when the sky was still dark, I was walking sleepily into clinical, feeling depressed about facing my patient who seemed unmotivated the previous day. His diagnosis was very preventable and I wasn’t sure that anything I had said to him the day before was helpful to him at all. When I looked up, there was my patient walking down the hall in his hospital gown and penny loafers- doing laps around the unit. He yells out to me, “Good morning Rachel! I started my exercising!” He thanked me for the time I spent with him and told me he was ready to “turn over a new leaf”. He told me I was great, and that I was going to make a great nurse. My heart was melting all over the floor!

Oy!

That makes my week.

I love nursing school… (tonight, that is)

brrr…

I am drinking cold tea.

Sometimes I really like winter. I mean the real thing, not the Washington-kind-of-winter-where-all-the-seasons-kind-of-slowly-run-into-one-another-like-a-wet-painting kind, but the seasonal stuff, the kind that has 10 degree wind chills.  There is something endearing and charming about being wrapped in a thick, knitty, multicolored scarf, and a hat with a little foo-ball on the top, and those mittens that convert into fingerless gloves.

But then there’s cold tea…

which, like I previously mentioned, I am drinking at this moment.

It started when I knew I could no longer put off my studies to prepare for my impending 8:00 quiz. This kind of pressure always make me hungry. Does that ever happen to you? Since the muffins are gone, and there is no chocolate to be found, I boiled some water for tea.

I am done with my terrrrrribly depressing reading…

which is why the tea is cold, and I am sad (and slightly paranoid, I might add).

(Brain tumors, seizures, Multiple Sclerosis, Strokes, Myasthenia Gravis, ALS, Parksinson’s Disease, morbid obesity, (that doesn’t fit- eh?) and plain old PAIN)

I hate reading the “clinical manifestations” the most. It makes my hypochondrical tendencies worse, which is why I am writing to you about cold tea.

Distraction is super and this blog is kind of nuts.

:::This is my brain on nursing school:::

happy 18

On account of the fact that I am finally done with this semester, and the fact that I am extremely tired, and feeling totally depleted of any proper brain function, I am tempted to say something like “day 18”… “well, I made it to day 18, goodnight.”

However, that would be cheating you of all of my lovely happies for today, because even though I have in fact made it a full 18 days without being a Baltimore-hater, and even though I am in fact quite tired-

many fabulous things have happened today that you would probably like to know about.

#1. My nursing friends are lovely. This morning, we donned our 80’s Christmas sweaters, and reindeer antlers and came prepared to take our last exam of 2009! Which brings me to…

Last exam of 2009!!

#2. 50% RN, yup, that’s me, being half-way through this program. It feels super.

#3. According to C, I have 25 days off of school. I intend to be relaxed and happy each day. I intend to sleep a full 8 hours every night (okay, that totally will not happen) but I plan on laying in bed and reading books until it has a least been 8 hours since I crawled in.

#4. I am on an airplane at this very moment, on my way to Texas to see Summer and her kiddos! I haven’t seen them for about a year! I can’t wait for this plane to land!

Okay, I believe that this will suffice. Great day, you get the point!

Later peeps!

Rachel

Yup, when we are taking the last exam of 2009- this is how we roll. antlers and all.

# 13, friends

The semester draws to a close. Four classes, plus clinical done. Two more exams to go…

I love my friends.

Example of how amazingly supportive and awesome they are:

.

.

“I know you must be freaking out right now but all will be well. just 3 more school days. that is it. and then you can breathe, drink wassle with me, ice skate with the kids and go folking ;).

you are going to be such an amazing nurse because not only are you smart you are kind hearted.”.
.

.

Kiddos, wassle, skating, and folking!!

I think I can make it now.

11

I’m almost half way  through school!!!

and that is all.

my positive thought for today in six words! 🙂