i’m sorry.

i really am.
i’ve neglected this blog of mine for a while, mostly due to lack of motivation (mostly caused by lack of sleep) which inevitability causes the overwhelming sense of being behind …procrastination doesn’t usually motivate me, i just end up procrastinating more. however, in this case, catching up is decidedly a better alternative to never adding to so many memories…therefore-

onward
an abbreviated blog-version of the last five or so months ((with pictures!))

the last days in austin were bittersweet. we did many touristy austin activites; stand up paddle boarding, floating down the comal with beer… and the austin experience would never be complete (in my opinion) without black swan yoga, a cortado at houndstooth coffee, luster pearl, and the g’raj mahal.

chris and i then jam-packed my subaru, said our goodbyes, and headed back to the evergreen state to start that dream job i wrote about before. we drooooooooove all the way through texas and five days later, (i jest), we arrived in albuquerque- surprisingly pleasant! we then drove up to moab for some camping on the river and for rock climbing and hiking in arches national park- best part! great times at a reggae festival in salt lake, pho in boise, and then eastern washington to relax on the columbia river with new friends. it was there i learned that people are actually capable of snoring louder than you could possibly imagine.

a day after i arrived, i began my 12 week residency in labor and delivery, and i loved almost every minute of it! sometimes i felt like what i had learned and practiced as a doula somehow became obsolete because my nursing practice and the medical aspect of labor took over; monitors, wires ,tubing…i progressively became more and more afraid of labor- i still loved what i was doing, but at some point toward the end of my residency, i resolved to NOT become a midwife,
and then, on my first day off orientation…
i caught a baby.

i’ve been on L&D for almost 5 months now, and i feel as if i am just beginning to learn how to effectively integrate my knowledge from my short time doula-ing with my labor nursing knowledge. it’s a good feeling. despite the wires, and tubing, and numb legs, and sometimes oxygen (for those darn decels), and sometimes unscheduled sections, beautiful healthy babies are born everyday and i love being able to be apart of the experience. i stopped being terrified and at some point, decided i actually do want to be a midwife (minus the rush to start school).

other notable highlights:

* i became an aunt!
(he was early, but is doing great!)
((and i’ll be an aunt again in may!!)
* spending time with my much missed friends
* jaida said my name last week!
* wye oak
* studying at a studio to be a hot yoga instructor! love it!
* bon iver

* leavenworth

* mumford and sons

and so you are mostly caught up! i’ll make a concerted effort to blog more with all that time i have!
xoxo

sometimes getting what you want, hurts a little bit

i got my dream job.
dream job.

three words:
labor and delivery.

(additional important words: midwives, doula-nurses, birthing balls, wireless fetal monitoring, and underwater dopplers)
how happy am i?!

my time in austin is coming to a close and though
“excited about my new job” is an understatement, leaving this
place feels slightly tragic.

we’ve been hitting the 100’s since May, and I work night shift, so i have grown accustomed to running under the stars when it’s a breezy 94 degrees while most of the city is sleeping. i’m used to eating meals outside because practically every restaurant and bar has outdoor seating, and it feels so good to have the sun warm your back while you sip a mexican martini with the people you love. i get to wear sundresses (without wearing leggings underneath), and when we hike there is usually a river at the end… and we swim. because it’s hot out. it’s incredible. i spend many of my afternoons off laying out at the pool with monique and (the recent addition) kelly while our tired bodies recover from night shift sleep deprivation and our excessive consumption of energy drinks
(are these superficial reasons? sometimes the seemingly superficial joys of life create the most amazing memories)

now that my brother, his wife, and my cat niece spicee live here too, i’ve been spending every free moment that i can with them, trying to soak up as much of mark and kel that i possibly can. they exude goodness; happiness and laughter and i will miss not being able to see them at will.

and so here i am, this labile individual. teary one moment, and happy the next, selfishly and immaturely wishing that it was somehow possible to have everything i want in life all at once.
but it never seems to work that way does it?
sometimes you get everything you want in bits and pieces,
sometimes you get everything you want temporarily.

i want to lay out by the pool, but i also want to sit on the shore of the pacific and watch the waves crash onto the rocky beach
i want to run at midnight when it’s still 94 degrees,
but i also want to wake up and see the mountain in the skyline
even if it’s freezing and i need a coat and a scarf to feel warm.

i want to live by mark and kelly and the little peanut they will one day have.
but i also want to live close to other people i love, enjoying doing the mundane things of life together and watching their kids get older. (i can’t wait for jaida to learn how to say ‘auntie!’)
i have lived near the people i love, but i always end up leaving somehow.
because somehow it always seems necessary.

the dream job is bringing me back home, but so is the mountain, the ocean, and so are the people i love.
it’s necessary to leave at this point
i’m getting what i want in a hundred ways
but it’s painful too.

this doesn’t mean that my life isn’t amazing right now
i couldn’t be a more happy woman.
my capacity to love is surprising me; i am loved deeply and i love deeply
and i’m so thankful for memories, experiences, and new opportunities.

i move in 12 days.
i will keep you posted on the road trip, the dream job,
and how well i acclimate to the cold weather.

rach

love.

growing up. in austin.

i should write more.
today, i was reading some old posts and though i definitely thought to myself more than once, “i can’t believe i wrote that!”, i am actually glad that i have some blogged-memories from my time in portland and nursing school. i need to go back through my travels at some point.
can’t wait to see what random events i found blog worthy.

someday, i will need to revisit memories from my time in austin. therefore, i have decided, more writing.
nursing is what i feel i do about 70 percent of the time. the other thirty percent: yoga, bike, hike, climb, run, text.
life is pretty uneventful and very predictable right now. but i am enjoying it, and wouldn’t want it any other way.

i take deeper breaths,
walk a little slower,
gaze at stars more,
and enjoy spending time alone.

my job has been really good (it was a gradual process). when we were done with residency they cut us loose. as in they cut us loose when we were hanging precariously at the edge of a 100 foot cliff. the first month was hard, but it has become progressively more and more enjoyable as i am gaining more experience and confidence.
some days i love my job and my patients so much, i go to work early just so i can sit and chat, or get done with everything first and save my favorite patients (favoritism- bad?) for last, just so we can hang out, we’ve listened to music or chatted about life. other days there are tears, and lots of wtf-ing (pirate mouth, not good). also, i have definitely bribed another nurse to go into my patient’s room for me because i was that uncomfortable/annoyed. some nights we are so busy that we start charting at 3 am and other nights (rare) we have time for a round of banana grams (highly recommended) so it’s not all perfect in nursing world. but i can’t imagine doing anything else at this point.

okay, more blogs for sure. i believe it was a new years resolution anyway, and those are going very well! (minus the blogging, and cooking at home, and learning to use my camera) however, reading, live music, hiking, biking, espanol…. all coming along slowly but surely.

kisses,
rachel

march hike

dripping springs, tx

a fabulous hike indeed.

yes, on march 1st, it was a warm enough day to swim

three years.

for my dad.

i regret
that we did not
together
rise early
and watch the ocean

alone
i let the mist
rest on my face
and cling to the fine strands of hair
that are being tossed back and forth
covering my eyes, nose mouth.

blown by the wind.

the waves explode
in rhythm
collapsing onto the
soaked sand;
draining back to their source

they drag my thoughts out to sea.

i consider the fact
that i am incredibly small
in the scheme of things

the scheme of
the ocean
distance
sadness
people
you

and the position of
myself
in the midst of it all.

i regret
that we did not
together
rise early
and watch the ocean

there is awe here
and i wonder if this place
could have also

dragged your
hopeless thoughts
out to sea.

work, eat, cry, repeat.

i don’t think i’ve written anything about my new job, which is strange, considering the fact that for the past two years or so, i’ve blogged my way through prerequisites, applying for nursing schools, and going to nursing school. i then briefly blogged about studying for boards and being in india. there was a “hello, i’m back from india and weird” and though my intentions were to blog more frequently, i then kind of dropped off of the blogging universe when i began juggling two new jobs, new friends, new roommates, and lots of yoga to decompress from it all. life is maybe beginning to slow down just a bit… enough for me to think about fulfilling my new years resolution to be more bloggy, so here is the update you have all been (or have not necessarily been) waiting for.
.

i’m an oncology/neurology nurse.
((my second job is a midwife assistant- the greatest! but more on that another time))

back to oncology:
the first question people ask me…. actually, it’s not technically a question, but more of an assumptive statement:
typical:
“OMIGOD. CANCER!!!!? That must be the most depressing job EVER!”

it is very sad, but very, very fulfilling.

equally deserving of the assumptive statement:
“OMIGOD. ….That must be the most depressing job EVER!!!”
…should be the fact that my unit also treats neuro patients,
if you’re wondering what that entails; think: “when something goes wrong with your spine or brain, to include strokes and seizures.”

last week, i worked mon, tue, and wed. i cried on monday, and then on wednesday. twice. i want you to know i’m absolutely not miserable in my job. i don’t get to tend to laboring moms and hold new born babies during my shift which is what i had hoped for, instead my patients are incredibly sick and often scared. like i’ve said, i cry. but working with my patients it is the most fulfilling work i can imagine doing at this juncture of my life. i am inclined to believe that things happen at just the time they are supposed to, and we can learn great lessons from them.
so here i am, learning all that i can learn, and trying to love my patients because of, and in spite of the fact that they break my heart.
in case you were wondering,
this is how a patient breaks your heart.
monday, my patient could not open his mustard package. he sat in his room alone and and pushed his call button to ask for me. because it was monday afternoon, i was of course busy so he had to wait for me to arrive. when i popped in to check on him, he asked me to open his mustard packet so he could eat his lunch. he was visibly embarrassed and uncomfortable with his request, and it struck me as incredibly sad. sad that i had been busy, sad that he didn’t have anyone visiting him that day, sad that his hands didn’t work well enough to open packages of mustard. my heart felt full and heavy, and i loved him a lot. is that weird? maybe so, but evidently, it is how i’m wired.

i love being a nurse. there is a lot one could say about it, and i already have about a million and half stories. i guess i just don’t share because i assume that sad stories are uninteresting.
but maybe that’s not true
because even though work can be sad, there is something redemptive and beautiful about the process of vulnerability, fear, compassion, love, and tears.
.
some days, i cry over mustard packets.
but truly friends, i’m okay.

broken bells. my favorite.

january hike

fulfilling new years resolutions.

new years resolutions

i love it!

love.

new tattoo.

love.
hindi + my dad’s name, but not quite my dad’s name because “Gregory” isn’t actually a name that exists in Hindi. so rather, it’s the sound of the ‘g’, plus some Hindi font flare, which was necessary because of it’s placement on my wrist. oh, and it’s backwards in the picture because it was taken on my computer(!)
complicated enough?
here it is. and yes, it hurt quite badly.

i like it.

sunday.

it was a bike all over east austin with great people to appreciate all the hipster-ie sights- day.

happiness.

fail.

life, sometimes.

i haven’t failed miserably, but i’ve failed mildly. i have not blogged every day, which i said i would try to do… i guess it’s fine… i just thought i would make it through the first week successfully! not so. i’m finding myself too tired and therefore lacking the motivation and energy it takes to blog on a daily basis. wonderful things are happening multiple times a day, and i am finding myself being more aware of these happy moments but i haven’t blogged most of these things. fail.
since i’m too lazy for paragraphs or even complete sentences for that matter, a catch up list of happiness will have to suffice:

1. our kitchen is now pink. “dragon fruit”- pink. it’s pink-pather-pink times 10. SUPER CUTE.

2. i palpated a fundus today. (hahaha)
3. the sunset was GORGEOUS!
4. i watched harry potter at the alamo with my roommates and some friends. (excellent, by the way)
5. my patient (a nurse herself for 30+ years) told me i was a “great nurse” and showered me with wonderful encouragements and very much so made my day.
6. i get to see summer on thursday! we will eat tofurkey!
7. my bed is cozy.
…and i am going to lay in it- now.

sleep tight,
rach

beauty!

remember how yesterday i said i would “neither see the sun rise, nor set today” ?
untrue!!
from the window of the top floor at the hospital where i work, the view of the setting sun over the city was magnificent! teal with purple hues, magenta and orange…
amazing
this picture from my phone does not do it justice. but no matter, you can use your imagination (i ask you to do that a lot, don’t i?!)

view from my very window-y unit.

it was so beautiful that i felt compelled to go into the rooms of my patients and open their blinds so they could enjoy the wonderful view. i sort of woke one of my patients when i did that (mean nurse!!) but he had to get up anyway to eat dinner, so i didn’t feel too bad, and he and i enjoyed watching the sunset together very much.
❤
rachel

40ish happies again.

hi again world.
here’s your long overdue update (sorry i’m not updating more often-this is going to change!) … austin is still beautiful, and i continue to wonder how it is that i actually ended up in this place… this city of breakfast tacos, ya’lls(!), and long horns on every other car. my reverse culture shock is subsiding little by little. i think i finally stopped looking like a deer caught in the head lights every time i was in a crowded, clean place, filled with pleasant smells, and pretty people.
well, okay, i take that back. today, for whatever reason, i was experiencing that tugging/sinking feeling… that, “it’s so strange to be here. i miss people. i miss somewhere. i don’t want to be here.” it was in whole foods. i felt like i was just kind of wandering wondering what i was doing here and missing everyone all at once. as you can probably imagine, it’s an overwhelming emotion to miss everyone all at once, and terribly inconvenient to feel this way in a crowded, pristine grocery store.

i just poured my heart out about feeling lonely and out of place (while buying groceries!!) to blog world… slightly vulnerable, no? whatever. i sort of think that everyone feels like this every once in a while no matter where they live or who they are friends with.

last winter, i blogged about something positive everyday for 40 days. school and the city were making me feel more negative than i was comfortable with, and blogging about at least one positive thing a day forced me to smile more because i had to actually focus on good things and write them down everyday. i think i’ll try and do that again. i’m pretty sure i need it! i might fail because this year i usually work 6 days a week between my two jobs. but i’ll try. i might only have the energy to say, “the trees are fabulous!” or “i palpated a fundus!”
you will have to manage with my four word blogs if it comes to that…
but i should be off to bed. tomorrow is a long day in which i will neither see the sun rise nor set, because it will be dark on my bike ride to and from work!
see you tomorrow with a happy nursing story!
love,
rachel

scattered thoughts in teh.hass.

hello world.
i am writing you from my new ‘home’
…referring to it as “home” is very odd for me (and slightly disconcerting too) for multiple reasons:
Number one being:
reverse culture shock (i hear my longings for all things India will begin to subside in one month, at which point, i will begin to feel progressively more and more comfortable here in the US). for now, i am quite uncomfortable and frequently feel guilty about all the “stuff” around me. i wear bangles, listen to adradhna’s bajhans, drink (real!) chai, and promise myself i won’t spend money on frivolous “stuff”. it all makes me feel a little better and a little worse at the same time. i need to start an “i’m having reverse culture shock, and it’s making me weird” group.
whatever.
…
number two:
Permanency. well. okay, by permanency, i mean, i have a job, and i love it, and i’m going to be staying here for a while (which is very vaguely defined as an amount of time greater than one year, but less than ???) because of permanency, I bought a dresser. it was very committal of me, and therefore also made me extremely uncomfortable.
number three:
my driver’s license. it’s from washington state. it doesn’t actually expire for two more years. in order to obtain a driver’s license here, i have to “surrender” my license. first they punch a hole in it, then…
they don’t give it back.
i’m not ready for that. it makes me want to sob. i’m not surrendering anything… again, it makes me feel uncomfortable.

so there are the top three reasons that calling this place home, feels really strange right now. you wouldn’t know it from my talk of weirdness, driver’s licenses’s, dressers, and me reiterating my feelings of general discomfort, that i actually like it very much here. people are sweet, they call you ‘ma’am’, they really love football (and therefore the color orange), tacos for breakfast are normal, there are food bus/carts all over, the sky is bright blue every day (so far!), i am wearing shorts and it’s almost november, and the trees are an incredible sight.
since i don’t know anyone really, i spend a lot of time with my gps and my bike. both great travel buddies. i try to find something different every day (today it was Barton Springs!) and i spend a lot of time running and biking around the river. for some reason that i can’t really explain, sitting by the water makes the world feel smaller, and so it seems like the people that i love are not so far away.
each day, i try to catch either the sunrise, or sunset. it might sound weird, but being intentional about observing beauty is a priority for me right now. i need it like air.
for the residency program, i split my time with being on the unit and going to classes, (it makes me tired, so i’ve fallen asleep reading in my window seat a few times already). i love being on the unit interacting with my patients. they are the most wonderful part of being here. they are giving me a sense of purpose. of course i wish they were not sick, but since they are, i am thankful to be a part of their journey.
austin is wonderful, i am happy, and i miss everyone.
goodnight,
rach.

amazing bhajans.

.

i stayed where this was filmed in varanasi. ahhhh i miss india…

love india.

ghandi jee.

rickshaw madam!?

sorry i’ve been terrible about updating my blog since kolkata! i’ve been busy and internet access has been dodgy, so blogging seemed too complicated to bother with!
after i left kolkata, i took a train to darjeeling (yes, as in darjeeling tea!) and i had no idea that when i arrived at the train station, i would need to hire a jeep (quite the process!!) and head up the mountain into the foothills of the Himalayas for 3 1/2 hours! all the way up the mountain i thought i was going to die! if you can imagine the windiest one lane road, the steepest cliffs, the tightest corners, jeeps passing one another in opposite directions, signs that read:
“those who wish to survive, do not hurry to arrive”
…all of this with no side rails, while actually kind of arriving in a hurried fashion; you will understand how i spent much of the ride up, absolutely inconsolably terrified. i could not look!

however, i made it up alive and well and had a wonderful time in darjeeling! tree plantations, traipsing along the paths, drinking tea, feeling chilly (NOT sweating!!), and walking through clouds, was all very enjoyable, and i felt as though i had somehow left the country! it was so different!

but fast forward:
i left darjeeling and took a 20 hour train (was supposed to be 16 i think) to varanasi, my new favorite place in india! the week was spent with wonderful new friends who have been living and doing wonderful work in india for three years! it was amazing to be able to work with them!
the ganges is incredible. we stayed right on the banks of the river. but i think there is too much to say about varanasi and the ganges for this blog. you will just have to settle for pictures, (when i get to putting them up and stories, when you see me!)

i leave for india soon! tonight, i train back to new delhi where i’ll fly back to the US and i am so full of mixed emotions. i’m so sad and at the same time, so happy! there is so much more to see and so much more work i wish i could do, so it’s almost tragic to have to leave such a wonderful place before you feel you’ve properly been able to experience it, but i am so excited to see my family for a few days and then start working! i’m excited to get out of the humidity and feel clean again (like for most of the day and not just while i’m in the shower!!)
i guess this is the way of india though, and i’m coming to accept that. it’s such a land of extremes, it’s both/and. so it makes sense that i don’t want to go, but i also can’t wait to leave! it’s filthy and extravagance, its poverty and wealth, the most beautiful array of colors you can imagine, and then brown: dirt, dust, cracking paint, and moldy buildings. i don’t know if there is anything that is easy: whether it’s trying to buy potatoes from the local vegetable wallah or finding soy milk! it can be frustrating, but in some way, you wouldn’t want to trade it for the ease and comfort or shopping carts and packaged everything!
somewhere between all the extremes there is so much to love! there is so much beauty and charm here.
i think i will soon be planning my return…