sometimes getting what you want, hurts a little bit

i got my dream job.
dream job.

three words:
labor and delivery.

(additional important words: midwives, doula-nurses, birthing balls, wireless fetal monitoring, and underwater dopplers)
how happy am i?!

my time in austin is coming to a close and though
“excited about my new job” is an understatement, leaving this
place feels slightly tragic.

we’ve been hitting the 100’s since May, and I work night shift, so i have grown accustomed to running under the stars when it’s a breezy 94 degrees while most of the city is sleeping. i’m used to eating meals outside because practically every restaurant and bar has outdoor seating, and it feels so good to have the sun warm your back while you sip a mexican martini with the people you love. i get to wear sundresses (without wearing leggings underneath), and when we hike there is usually a river at the end… and we swim. because it’s hot out. it’s incredible. i spend many of my afternoons off laying out at the pool with monique and (the recent addition) kelly while our tired bodies recover from night shift sleep deprivation and our excessive consumption of energy drinks
(are these superficial reasons? sometimes the seemingly superficial joys of life create the most amazing memories)

now that my brother, his wife, and my cat niece spicee live here too, i’ve been spending every free moment that i can with them, trying to soak up as much of mark and kel that i possibly can. they exude goodness; happiness and laughter and i will miss not being able to see them at will.

and so here i am, this labile individual. teary one moment, and happy the next, selfishly and immaturely wishing that it was somehow possible to have everything i want in life all at once.
but it never seems to work that way does it?
sometimes you get everything you want in bits and pieces,
sometimes you get everything you want temporarily.

i want to lay out by the pool, but i also want to sit on the shore of the pacific and watch the waves crash onto the rocky beach
i want to run at midnight when it’s still 94 degrees,
but i also want to wake up and see the mountain in the skyline
even if it’s freezing and i need a coat and a scarf to feel warm.

i want to live by mark and kelly and the little peanut they will one day have.
but i also want to live close to other people i love, enjoying doing the mundane things of life together and watching their kids get older. (i can’t wait for jaida to learn how to say ‘auntie!’)
i have lived near the people i love, but i always end up leaving somehow.
because somehow it always seems necessary.

the dream job is bringing me back home, but so is the mountain, the ocean, and so are the people i love.
it’s necessary to leave at this point
i’m getting what i want in a hundred ways
but it’s painful too.

this doesn’t mean that my life isn’t amazing right now
i couldn’t be a more happy woman.
my capacity to love is surprising me; i am loved deeply and i love deeply
and i’m so thankful for memories, experiences, and new opportunities.

i move in 12 days.
i will keep you posted on the road trip, the dream job,
and how well i acclimate to the cold weather.

rach

january hike

fulfilling new years resolutions.

new years resolutions

new tattoo.

love.
hindi + my dad’s name, but not quite my dad’s name because “Gregory” isn’t actually a name that exists in Hindi. so rather, it’s the sound of the ‘g’, plus some Hindi font flare, which was necessary because of it’s placement on my wrist. oh, and it’s backwards in the picture because it was taken on my computer(!)
complicated enough?
here it is. and yes, it hurt quite badly.

i like it.

sunday.

it was a bike all over east austin with great people to appreciate all the hipster-ie sights- day.

happiness.

fail.

life, sometimes.

i haven’t failed miserably, but i’ve failed mildly. i have not blogged every day, which i said i would try to do… i guess it’s fine… i just thought i would make it through the first week successfully! not so. i’m finding myself too tired and therefore lacking the motivation and energy it takes to blog on a daily basis. wonderful things are happening multiple times a day, and i am finding myself being more aware of these happy moments but i haven’t blogged most of these things. fail.
since i’m too lazy for paragraphs or even complete sentences for that matter, a catch up list of happiness will have to suffice:

1. our kitchen is now pink. “dragon fruit”- pink. it’s pink-pather-pink times 10. SUPER CUTE.

2. i palpated a fundus today. (hahaha)
3. the sunset was GORGEOUS!
4. i watched harry potter at the alamo with my roommates and some friends. (excellent, by the way)
5. my patient (a nurse herself for 30+ years) told me i was a “great nurse” and showered me with wonderful encouragements and very much so made my day.
6. i get to see summer on thursday! we will eat tofurkey!
7. my bed is cozy.
…and i am going to lay in it- now.

sleep tight,
rach

40ish happies again.

hi again world.
here’s your long overdue update (sorry i’m not updating more often-this is going to change!) … austin is still beautiful, and i continue to wonder how it is that i actually ended up in this place… this city of breakfast tacos, ya’lls(!), and long horns on every other car. my reverse culture shock is subsiding little by little. i think i finally stopped looking like a deer caught in the head lights every time i was in a crowded, clean place, filled with pleasant smells, and pretty people.
well, okay, i take that back. today, for whatever reason, i was experiencing that tugging/sinking feeling… that, “it’s so strange to be here. i miss people. i miss somewhere. i don’t want to be here.” it was in whole foods. i felt like i was just kind of wandering wondering what i was doing here and missing everyone all at once. as you can probably imagine, it’s an overwhelming emotion to miss everyone all at once, and terribly inconvenient to feel this way in a crowded, pristine grocery store.

i just poured my heart out about feeling lonely and out of place (while buying groceries!!) to blog world… slightly vulnerable, no? whatever. i sort of think that everyone feels like this every once in a while no matter where they live or who they are friends with.

last winter, i blogged about something positive everyday for 40 days. school and the city were making me feel more negative than i was comfortable with, and blogging about at least one positive thing a day forced me to smile more because i had to actually focus on good things and write them down everyday. i think i’ll try and do that again. i’m pretty sure i need it! i might fail because this year i usually work 6 days a week between my two jobs. but i’ll try. i might only have the energy to say, “the trees are fabulous!” or “i palpated a fundus!”
you will have to manage with my four word blogs if it comes to that…
but i should be off to bed. tomorrow is a long day in which i will neither see the sun rise nor set, because it will be dark on my bike ride to and from work!
see you tomorrow with a happy nursing story!
love,
rachel

moab.

we arrived. we saw. we were driven out by dog biting ants. and national parks that are not dog friendly. we left.

camping on the river.

we are currently back in the state we love.

.

the epic road trip.

it’s been awesome. love colorado. there’s lots to say, but pictures in this case, will do the job-

wait!

the starry night skies are freaking incredible.

goodbye baltimore.

hours upon hours of cornfields. i drank a lot of red bull.

mia!

twins! we love 'em!

puppy loves!

bliss!

moab tonight, seattle tuesday!

last nursing school post!

i just graduated from nursing school.

((it was pretty awesome to finally be able to write that, by the way))

now that i’m done, i feel like i’m supposed to have something very profound to say. i don’t really have anything profound, but i will tell you that a long time ago, i thought i might bawl my eyes out as i walked across the stage to receive my nursing pin/diploma. but i didn’t. instead, i hugged the dean, who was an instructor and a sort of mentor to me, and she whispered, while handing me that wonderful paper, “great dress girl.” wow. i love that woman.

but back to bawling. i mean, i thought i would cry because i was so happy and because seasoned nurse educators on the admission’s committee believed in me- thought i would make a great nurse, which is a true gift. this belief in me, makes me extremely honored to be joining the ranks of individuals who i find  to be the embodiment of  a beautiful convergence of compassion, intellect, self sacrifice, and grace.

i know that i have big shoes to fill.

Nursing is an art:  and if it is to be made an art, it requires an exclusive devotion as hard a preparation, as any painter’s or sculptor’s work; for what is the having to do with dead canvas or dead marble, compared with having to do with the living body, the temple of God’s spirit?  It is one of the Fine Arts:  I had almost said, the finest of Fine Arts.  ~Florence Nightingale

graduation!!!

the day is finally here!!

Johns Hopkins University SON class of 2010

future nurse midwives!

amy, my roommate!

carron!

ta daaaa!

east coast sunsets.

it was an incredibly breathaking sunset on the fourth of july. much better than any of the fireworks i saw

finally. finally. finally.

for utter, utter joy.

Seattle (SEA) to Amsterdam (AMS)

Amsterdam (AMS) to DEHLI (DEL)

(that’s part of my itinerary! woot woot)

oh yes, and in other semi-comparable freaking awesome news…

“The Accelerated Class Diploma and Award Ceremony will be held on

Homewood Campus in Shriver Hall on Friday July 23 at 11 a.m.

Tickets are not required. There are no limits to the number of guests that may be invited, but a large crowd is expected, so it is recommended that guests arrive early.

Schedule of events:

• 9:45 a.m.: Graduating students arrive; doors open to guests

• 10:15 a.m.: Class photograph

• 10:30 a.m.: Graduating students line up for processional

• 11 a.m.: Processional begins; ceremony will last approximately 60 to 90 minutes”

((not sure if i’m up to going yet, but we’ll see. i’ll probably have that decision made the morning of ))

labor and delivery!

oh my.

oh me.

lucky me. happy am i.

i got the most sweet placement for my senior practicum (internship) at Hopkins on the Labor and Delivery unit!!!

it’s been a great week, my practicum is going very well-

#1. i have the most fabulous preceptor. ever. hands down. ever.

#2. pregnant women.

#3. babies.

#4. my schedule rocks. (i haven’t used that adjective since jr high, so you know it’s good)

#5. other shallow perks… no more nursing uniform that makes you feel like a twelve year old who definitely should not be trusted with a needle… surgical scrubs. woot woot. no more care plans,  also, no more boring black clogs, my new clogs are pinkish with flowers… like a party on my feet. i love them.

today was a bit of a slow day on the Labor and delivery unit, so my superstar preceptor and I went to the nursery, to, you know, rock babies, and feed babies, and swaddle them, and tell them how cute their squishy little faces were (oh, and do mean things like give vaccines, and assess their vitals, and hook them up to little EKG’s and pulse oximeters to monitor their heart and respiratory rate, and oxygen saturation level… making sure they were healthy enough to make it home with mom).

what a day… sooo hard (i’m being sarcastic)

it was the best. who says, i love that i spent 12 hours of a beautiful summer saturday at the hospital? (me)

i haven’t seen many births yet, probably due to the fact that JHH is a level three tertiary care hospital. basically meaning: 85% (ish) high risk pregnancies. some of the women coming in shouldn’t be giving birth yet for reasons such as the gestational age of the baby isn’t high enough, so they are being monitored and kept from delivering as long as possible. i get exposure to pretty complex cases, complicated disorders described in our text books, or disorders i hadn’t even heard of.

i see a lot of sad cases, more than I had expected to see on an L&D unit (with very my limited experience), but that’s one of the many beauties of nursing… being able to directly care for the patient and their family through difficult times.

having the family open up and trust you and having a positive impact on their lives is extremely rewarding. it makes all those damn care plans worth it.

~ will update you soon on my great post nursing school life/preview of real RN life, life.

it’s freaking fabulous. truly.

school’s out.

yesterday was my last day of classes.

i will never ever have class for my BSN ever again.

ever.

this is a beautiful thing.

on saturday, i will be leaving for st croix for my public health nursing clinical.

i can’t wait! i will keep you posted on how things go.

also, i got a coveted position at JHH in labor and delivery for my

internship.

joy. bliss.

happy, happy thoughts.

it could not be helped.

“Do you always bite the head off first?”

when is easter anyway?

sometimes when you are on page 13 of your paper, and you’re still not even close to being done…

and you feel like this fact makes your life much much more sad…

and the bunny is just waiting there, in the cupboard, 5 feet from you…

the temptation

is much too difficult to overcome.

goodbye baby.

this is baby jaida...i loooovveee her.

and by the way…she totally cried when i had to leave

((because she is going to miss me terribly))

i told her i’d be back soon, at which point, she will be walking (okay not really)

and talking (okay really not really)

and telling me i’m her favorite non-related-auntie ever.

i will miss her sweet coos the most.

((also, i will miss her mama too))

enjoying jaida.

this is the world’s most adorable infant.

am i biased? well…then i am biased.

i was bad.

for lent, i gave up facebook.

well…sort of.

((sunday is “celebratory day”. if you gave up alcohol, drink a margarita (or two), if you gave up sweets, eat lot of chocolate,

if you gave up facebook… resume stalking your friends.))

i gave up facebook because well… i didn’t really know what else to give up. sweets and alcohol don’t distract me enough to make me feel guilty. sometimes i feel guilty about how much time/money i spend at wholefoods, but giving up shopping for food altogether is, well… clinically significant.

but anyways, the point of this story is not to justify why or why not i picked facebook rather than wholefoods-

the point is

i cheated.

not only did i cheat, to make it worse, i cheated a lot.

as sorry as i am for being so weak and wavering… i do  want to explain, (if not justify) my actions…

with her

~~jaida~~

how can you say no to this face?? right. you can’t.

as soon as my bff had bbff (baby of bff) i knew her hubby would be posting pictures- i mean, granted he was nice enough to send me four pictures by email, it wasn’t enough. i literally checked multiple times per day, just to see if he had added any new pictures.

so fellow lenters, unwavering steadfast, and strong… sorry for letting you down.

but seriously, i’d do it again.

she is here…

and i love her to pieces!!!!

Jaida! Born March 4 2010. 8 lbs 11 oz.