sometimes getting what you want, hurts a little bit

i got my dream job.
dream job.

three words:
labor and delivery.

(additional important words: midwives, doula-nurses, birthing balls, wireless fetal monitoring, and underwater dopplers)
how happy am i?!

my time in austin is coming to a close and though
“excited about my new job” is an understatement, leaving this
place feels slightly tragic.

we’ve been hitting the 100’s since May, and I work night shift, so i have grown accustomed to running under the stars when it’s a breezy 94 degrees while most of the city is sleeping. i’m used to eating meals outside because practically every restaurant and bar has outdoor seating, and it feels so good to have the sun warm your back while you sip a mexican martini with the people you love. i get to wear sundresses (without wearing leggings underneath), and when we hike there is usually a river at the end… and we swim. because it’s hot out. it’s incredible. i spend many of my afternoons off laying out at the pool with monique and (the recent addition) kelly while our tired bodies recover from night shift sleep deprivation and our excessive consumption of energy drinks
(are these superficial reasons? sometimes the seemingly superficial joys of life create the most amazing memories)

now that my brother, his wife, and my cat niece spicee live here too, i’ve been spending every free moment that i can with them, trying to soak up as much of mark and kel that i possibly can. they exude goodness; happiness and laughter and i will miss not being able to see them at will.

and so here i am, this labile individual. teary one moment, and happy the next, selfishly and immaturely wishing that it was somehow possible to have everything i want in life all at once.
but it never seems to work that way does it?
sometimes you get everything you want in bits and pieces,
sometimes you get everything you want temporarily.

i want to lay out by the pool, but i also want to sit on the shore of the pacific and watch the waves crash onto the rocky beach
i want to run at midnight when it’s still 94 degrees,
but i also want to wake up and see the mountain in the skyline
even if it’s freezing and i need a coat and a scarf to feel warm.

i want to live by mark and kelly and the little peanut they will one day have.
but i also want to live close to other people i love, enjoying doing the mundane things of life together and watching their kids get older. (i can’t wait for jaida to learn how to say ‘auntie!’)
i have lived near the people i love, but i always end up leaving somehow.
because somehow it always seems necessary.

the dream job is bringing me back home, but so is the mountain, the ocean, and so are the people i love.
it’s necessary to leave at this point
i’m getting what i want in a hundred ways
but it’s painful too.

this doesn’t mean that my life isn’t amazing right now
i couldn’t be a more happy woman.
my capacity to love is surprising me; i am loved deeply and i love deeply
and i’m so thankful for memories, experiences, and new opportunities.

i move in 12 days.
i will keep you posted on the road trip, the dream job,
and how well i acclimate to the cold weather.

rach