i have been counting to
three hundred and sixty five.
it looms
like a dark cloud
to engulf me
it was fifteen months ago
when i penned the first words
to her
so I could begin to fill the
empty space of
memories never made.
and i never imagined
that only four months later
i would pen the first words
to you.
grieving the memories
we can no longer make
i hate these days
these grey days
where white covers everything
like a secret
hidden beneath the
guise of such beauty.
toothy smiles to veil
the ugly truth
too unbearable to face
the arrant permanency of
your absence.
in the frigid air
my breath is a
wisp that fades before me
cruelly dissipating.
like
your voice
your laugh
(they are now leaving me also)
and i can not bear the
thought
of how
i am left here with
a void t0o deep to fill,
the deafening silence that i fear
no melody will ever
drown out
i feel at a loss for words
not for a lack of them
but because I am searching
for the right
ones…
i was going to write a witty little thing
that would make you laugh
about the snow
about the cold
about the inevitably
clumsy situations
i often find myself
in
however,
(and there is almost always a however)
it seems we learn to hide behind
the things that make us laugh
so it was after I almost slipped on the ice
for the third time that day
or after
i stood in awe of the icicles
that attach themselves to the
gutters
when I made unnecessary tracks
in the drifts of snow
piled carelessly on the side of the road.
i exhaled out the bitter air.
somehow, in my own way
embracing the
numbing chill that filled my lungs
and stung my skin
i thought about how i
enjoy
the sound of silence
that snowflakes make
when they fall
navigating through
convoluted thoughts
i wondered
at the concept of
remorse
and asked myself if it can
negate the pains inflicted
can such a response
elicit
a lonely satisfaction
that stems from your guilt?
because anger has given way
to loss.
(though understanding
still evades me)
is this
acceptance
of the deeds
that have been done?
or is this what the beginning of
what forgiveness looks like?
