bests friends… December 27, 2007

if you could read me

all the intricate pieces of my heart

carefully turning the pages

not scanning.

no cliff notes.

but pouring over every word

studying.

analyzing.

trying to understand every complicated chapter of my life

piecing together how it has shaped who i am

 

i would want you to never stop reading

this novel

that is me

and when you found out

who i am

who i really am

when you realized that there is not one

paragraph

phrase

word

or punctuation mark that you would change

 

then the pages of my tattered heart

might begin to be repaired

because someone will have finally read me

 from cover to cover

 

and found that they could love me

for me.

 

 

music of the week yo. December 21, 2007

1. all i ever get for christmas is blue. (over the rhine) duh. why? I. amazing voice II. self pity at christmas- love it

 

2. northpole man. (over the rhine) how could you not love it?? listen to it!  

3. be like this (ellery) unique voice, unique sound, sweet lyrics.

 

 4. i’m on a roll (over the rhine) takes you back

 

senile denial part 3 December 12, 2007

tardy bells, hall passes, and lockers- oh  my!

 it’s so strange how one morning you wake up and realize just how far removed you actually are from your high school days, and by the way, pardon my preoccupation with adolescence, but working in the schools five days a week takes a lot of physical and mental energy, and ends up doing one of two things…or in my case both simultaneously:

1. makes you feel old (no matter how many times you get mistaken for a student)
2. keeps you young (phew!)

  wow, where to begin describing this experience? a long blog approaches….

 

first, what the crack is up with the spelling of the names?! wow. i guess i understand that people want their kids to be unique somehow, but the spelling of the names… getting a little out of hand. i always kind of prided myself on being ‘cultured’, i mean, come on, i grew up in TACOMA! i had this idea that i could walk into any classroom, take one look at that attendance roster and pronounce any name-  so yah, it’s not the sopeheak’s or mizhean’s, it’s the khriystille’s, brayan’s, (err… brian?), adrijanna, (yah, pronounced adriana), emely, maryssa’s, mykael’s (you mean, michael?)… why people, why? just spell it the traditional way, no matter how ordinary it might seem. we’re not french here- (20 letters to say a two syllable word)- we speak english! i am probably the world’s worst speller, and even these looked terribly wrong to me, and that’s saying a lot. 

then, there’s the glamorous hair. for girls this might be normal for school…maybe… but the point here, is it’s the guys. yup. the guys. i’m serious! straightened, blow dried, and flipped out with a round brush- you name it, the hair is preee-ty! So literally, walking down the hall admist the mass of students shuffling in a steady stream, making their way to class, it is no longer possible to tell from the back the gender of those who walk in front of you.  so beware- the hair you are envying, and yes ladies, you WILL envy their hair, may very well be man hair. 

however…

the hairstyles are not the only trend that the guys and girls now share. there is also … “the tapered jeans”..oops excuse me, they are now referred to as “skinny jeans” (good news for those who never stopped wearing them in the first place!)

so these “skinny jeans” are everywhere- i remember the days when those were cool…I was still in elementary school folding ‘penny rolls’ with my friends, but I also remember them “going out” of style and making fun of tapered jeans-promising that they would never, and could never, make their way back into my wardrobe. when the “skinny jeans” started cropping up,

I resisited

then,

I mocked

after that,

I had resolve (NO TAPERED PANTS for this girl!!!)

eventually…

i admitted

that they were cute on ‘some people’, (’just not on me’)…

and

darn it-

here I am,

considering…

AHH! i’m considering buying skinny jeans?!!! what have these gender neutral haired, gender neutral tight jeans wearing, misspelled named adolesent’s done to me?!?!

……………….. ackward long pause……..

alright, alright, I admit it…jenni and I actually sought them out…fully went to try them on!  we’re so bad- it’s okay though, my resolve always returns, the adult ‘mature’ rachel reasons with the young and (god forive me) wannabe trendy rachel, and i put them back, realizing that they just might look as ridiculous as i previously believed…i’m just not ready for ann taylor or christopher brooks! i still need BP , urban outfitters, and american eagle… it’s sick, I know it, but this transition can be little tricky.  i remember when i graduated from high school, and having that realization that it was no longer appropriate to buy roxy tees with the logo scrawled across the front in big glittery hot pink letters. hard times, hard times.  so here I am… twenty five-

teaching students,

laughing and chatting with them (letting them teach me the superman!!),  

getting occasionally pissed off at them,

 

and all the while i am there, actually envying their perfect blow dried flipped out hair and their ultra cute skinny jeans (but not their names), and yet, at the same time, i am also thanking God that i am finally a grown up… (whatever that means)…

r.

 

chapter 2, senile denial December 6, 2007

okay… the purpose of this picture is to illustrate a point or two- (number one being- kallen is so cute!!) but number two… take a look at it… I mean it, look real hard… how old do you think I am?! does that innocent face staring back at you look like the face of a 15 year old? 17? 18? 21?

fourteen is the youngest I’ve gotten, 21 the oldest.

 since being back at the schools, I’ve been bombarded daily with questions like this… seriously, I can absolutely bet my life on it that I will be asked these two at least:

1.        “How old are you!?”

2.        “You’re not a student?! I thought you were a student!!”

 

occasionally a fourteen year old will ask me out for his friend, but it’s not as common as the daily personal questions pertaining to my age, education, and marital status.

 so today, i walk into the staff lounge, and there are five teachers sitting at the table… as i enter the room, one woman in particular gives me the dirtiest look ever, (wow! flashback to caddy girls in high school) seriously, her eyes were like daggers and they followed me to the table with disbelief…but before she could open her mouth to threaten me with detention, i assured her that i was in fact NOT a student!

she looked completely incredulous at that point, so i flashed her my teacher’s id to try and calm her down. honestly, she still looked really suspicious… i think she was asking herself how a student managed to obtain an id card- as if there is some secret underground student run conspiracy to make fake “wison teacher” id’s so they can sneak into the lounge to… use the nice bathrooms? buy some pop? (they only sell water in the student vending machines now) make some copies? hmmmm…

 so… i sit down to finish an email and i just started randomly laughing to myself, when another teacher points it out, and asks me what’s so funny about what I’m typing…

i apologized and told them i was still thinking about “dagger eyes” and how i was momentarily scared and guilty like a rebellious class-skipping-to-roam-the-halls-and-sneak-into-teacher’s-lounges-teenager.

finally she was like.. “err.. yah…sorry about that…”

 yah, yah, it’s okay, ms. dagger eyes. i forgive you… just learn to cut your students some slack once in a while, especially those who actually might use their fake id’s to use the good bathrooms and use the “good” vending machines