i’m sorry.

i really am.
i’ve neglected this blog of mine for a while, mostly due to lack of motivation (mostly caused by lack of sleep) which inevitability causes the overwhelming sense of being behind …procrastination doesn’t usually motivate me, i just end up procrastinating more. however, in this case, catching up is decidedly a better alternative to never adding to so many memories…therefore-

onward
an abbreviated blog-version of the last five or so months ((with pictures!))

the last days in austin were bittersweet. we did many touristy austin activites; stand up paddle boarding, floating down the comal with beer… and the austin experience would never be complete (in my opinion) without black swan yoga, a cortado at houndstooth coffee, luster pearl, and the g’raj mahal.

sup-ing

chris and i then jam-packed my subaru, said our goodbyes, and headed back to the evergreen state to start that dream job i wrote about before. we drooooooooove all the way through texas and five days later, (i jest), we arrived in albuquerque- surprisingly pleasant! we then drove up to moab for some camping on the river and for rock climbing and hiking in arches national park- best part! great times at a reggae festival in salt lake, pho in boise, and then eastern washington to relax on the columbia river with new friends. it was there i learned that people are actually capable of snoring louder than you could possibly imagine.

a day after i arrived, i began my 12 week residency in labor and delivery, and i loved almost every minute of it! sometimes i felt like what i had learned and practiced as a doula somehow became obsolete because my nursing practice and the medical aspect of labor took over; monitors, wires ,tubing…i progressively became more and more afraid of labor- i still loved what i was doing, but at some point toward the end of my residency, i resolved to NOT become a midwife,
and then, on my first day off orientation…
i caught a baby.

i’ve been on L&D for almost 5 months now, and i feel as if i am just beginning to learn how to effectively integrate my knowledge from my short time doula-ing with my labor nursing knowledge. it’s a good feeling. despite the wires, and tubing, and numb legs, and sometimes oxygen (for those darn decels), and sometimes unscheduled sections, beautiful healthy babies are born everyday and i love being able to be apart of the experience. i stopped being terrified and at some point, decided i actually do want to be a midwife (minus the rush to start school).

other notable highlights:

* i became an aunt!
(he was early, but is doing great!)
((and i’ll be an aunt again in may!!)
* spending time with my much missed friends
* jaida said my name last week!
* wye oak
* studying at a studio to be a hot yoga instructor! love it!
* bon iver
bon iver in portlandia!
* leavenworth

* mumford and sons
mumford and sons!

and so you are mostly caught up! i’ll make a concerted effort to blog more with all that time i have!
xoxo

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sometimes getting what you want, hurts a little bit

i got my dream job.
dream job.

three words:
labor and delivery.

(additional important words: midwives, doula-nurses, birthing balls, wireless fetal monitoring, and underwater dopplers)
how happy am i?!

my time in austin is coming to a close and though
“excited about my new job” is an understatement, leaving this
place feels slightly tragic.

we’ve been hitting the 100′s since May, and I work night shift, so i have grown accustomed to running under the stars when it’s a breezy 94 degrees while most of the city is sleeping. i’m used to eating meals outside because practically every restaurant and bar has outdoor seating, and it feels so good to have the sun warm your back while you sip a mexican martini with the people you love. i get to wear sundresses (without wearing leggings underneath), and when we hike there is usually a river at the end… and we swim. because it’s hot out. it’s incredible. i spend many of my afternoons off laying out at the pool with monique and (the recent addition) kelly while our tired bodies recover from night shift sleep deprivation and our excessive consumption of energy drinks
(are these superficial reasons? sometimes the seemingly superficial joys of life create the most amazing memories)

now that my brother, his wife, and my cat niece spicee live here too, i’ve been spending every free moment that i can with them, trying to soak up as much of mark and kel that i possibly can. they exude goodness; happiness and laughter and i will miss not being able to see them at will.

and so here i am, this labile individual. teary one moment, and happy the next, selfishly and immaturely wishing that it was somehow possible to have everything i want in life all at once.
but it never seems to work that way does it?
sometimes you get everything you want in bits and pieces,
sometimes you get everything you want temporarily.

i want to lay out by the pool, but i also want to sit on the shore of the pacific and watch the waves crash onto the rocky beach
i want to run at midnight when it’s still 94 degrees,
but i also want to wake up and see the mountain in the skyline
even if it’s freezing and i need a coat and a scarf to feel warm.

i want to live by mark and kelly and the little peanut they will one day have.
but i also want to live close to other people i love, enjoying doing the mundane things of life together and watching their kids get older. (i can’t wait for jaida to learn how to say ‘auntie!’)
i have lived near the people i love, but i always end up leaving somehow.
because somehow it always seems necessary.

the dream job is bringing me back home, but so is the mountain, the ocean, and so are the people i love.
it’s necessary to leave at this point
i’m getting what i want in a hundred ways
but it’s painful too.

this doesn’t mean that my life isn’t amazing right now
i couldn’t be a more happy woman.
my capacity to love is surprising me; i am loved deeply and i love deeply
and i’m so thankful for memories, experiences, and new opportunities.

i move in 12 days.
i will keep you posted on the road trip, the dream job,
and how well i acclimate to the cold weather.

rach

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love.

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growing up. in austin.

i should write more.
today, i was reading some old posts and though i definitely thought to myself more than once, “i can’t believe i wrote that!”, i am actually glad that i have some blogged-memories from my time in portland and nursing school. i need to go back through my travels at some point.
can’t wait to see what random events i found blog worthy.

someday, i will need to revisit memories from my time in austin. therefore, i have decided, more writing.
nursing is what i feel i do about 70 percent of the time. the other thirty percent: yoga, bike, hike, climb, run, text.
life is pretty uneventful and very predictable right now. but i am enjoying it, and wouldn’t want it any other way.

i take deeper breaths,
walk a little slower,
gaze at stars more,
and enjoy spending time alone.

my job has been really good (it was a gradual process). when we were done with residency they cut us loose. as in they cut us loose when we were hanging precariously at the edge of a 100 foot cliff. the first month was hard, but it has become progressively more and more enjoyable as i am gaining more experience and confidence.
some days i love my job and my patients so much, i go to work early just so i can sit and chat, or get done with everything first and save my favorite patients (favoritism- bad?) for last, just so we can hang out, we’ve listened to music or chatted about life. other days there are tears, and lots of wtf-ing (pirate mouth, not good). also, i have definitely bribed another nurse to go into my patient’s room for me because i was that uncomfortable/annoyed. some nights we are so busy that we start charting at 3 am and other nights (rare) we have time for a round of banana grams (highly recommended) so it’s not all perfect in nursing world. but i can’t imagine doing anything else at this point.

okay, more blogs for sure. i believe it was a new years resolution anyway, and those are going very well! (minus the blogging, and cooking at home, and learning to use my camera) however, reading, live music, hiking, biking, espanol…. all coming along slowly but surely.

kisses,
rachel

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march hike

dripping springs, tx


a fabulous hike indeed.


yes, on march 1st, it was a warm enough day to swim

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three years.

for my dad.

i regret
that we did not
together
rise early
and watch the ocean

alone
i let the mist
rest on my face
and cling to the fine strands of hair
that are being tossed back and forth
covering my eyes, nose mouth.

blown by the wind.

the waves explode
in rhythm
collapsing onto the
soaked sand;
draining back to their source

they drag my thoughts out to sea.

i consider the fact
that i am incredibly small
in the scheme of things

the scheme of
the ocean
distance
sadness
people
you

and the position of
myself
in the midst of it all.

i regret
that we did not
together
rise early
and watch the ocean

there is awe here
and i wonder if this place
could have also

dragged your
hopeless thoughts
out to sea.

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work, eat, cry, repeat.

i don’t think i’ve written anything about my new job, which is strange, considering the fact that for the past two years or so, i’ve blogged my way through prerequisites, applying for nursing schools, and going to nursing school. i then briefly blogged about studying for boards and being in india. there was a “hello, i’m back from india and weird” and though my intentions were to blog more frequently, i then kind of dropped off of the blogging universe when i began juggling two new jobs, new friends, new roommates, and lots of yoga to decompress from it all. life is maybe beginning to slow down just a bit… enough for me to think about fulfilling my new years resolution to be more bloggy, so here is the update you have all been (or have not necessarily been) waiting for.
.

i’m an oncology/neurology nurse.
((my second job is a midwife assistant- the greatest! but more on that another time))

back to oncology:
the first question people ask me…. actually, it’s not technically a question, but more of an assumptive statement:
typical:
“OMIGOD. CANCER!!!!? That must be the most depressing job EVER!”

it is very sad, but very, very fulfilling.

equally deserving of the assumptive statement:
“OMIGOD. ….That must be the most depressing job EVER!!!”
…should be the fact that my unit also treats neuro patients,
if you’re wondering what that entails; think: “when something goes wrong with your spine or brain, to include strokes and seizures.”

last week, i worked mon, tue, and wed. i cried on monday, and then on wednesday. twice. i want you to know i’m absolutely not miserable in my job. i don’t get to tend to laboring moms and hold new born babies during my shift which is what i had hoped for, instead my patients are incredibly sick and often scared. like i’ve said, i cry. but working with my patients it is the most fulfilling work i can imagine doing at this juncture of my life. i am inclined to believe that things happen at just the time they are supposed to, and we can learn great lessons from them.
so here i am, learning all that i can learn, and trying to love my patients because of, and in spite of the fact that they break my heart.
in case you were wondering,
this is how a patient breaks your heart.
monday, my patient could not open his mustard package. he sat in his room alone and and pushed his call button to ask for me. because it was monday afternoon, i was of course busy so he had to wait for me to arrive. when i popped in to check on him, he asked me to open his mustard packet so he could eat his lunch. he was visibly embarrassed and uncomfortable with his request, and it struck me as incredibly sad. sad that i had been busy, sad that he didn’t have anyone visiting him that day, sad that his hands didn’t work well enough to open packages of mustard. my heart felt full and heavy, and i loved him a lot. is that weird? maybe so, but evidently, it is how i’m wired.

i love being a nurse. there is a lot one could say about it, and i already have about a million and half stories. i guess i just don’t share because i assume that sad stories are uninteresting.
but maybe that’s not true
because even though work can be sad, there is something redemptive and beautiful about the process of vulnerability, fear, compassion, love, and tears.
.
some days, i cry over mustard packets.
but truly friends, i’m okay.

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